93 Concepts that dogs do not understand
1) Move: (as in get out of the way. Wagging your tail is not moving).
2) Backtracking: (as in when they go around a lamppost when they are on a leash)
3) Grossness: (as in, dead things are gross. Licking your butt is gross. Eating feces is gross!)
4) Wipe your feet: (as in after you've been out playing in the mud....and before you track all over the floor)
5) Sharing: (as in ANYTHING) ** No, this is NOT
your bed. The decision to share is MINE, not yours!
6) Bells ringing: (as in, the little ding when I have email, or the phone are not an invitation to run to the front door and bark to alert me to someone being here!)
7) Just because you can faintly make out a dog barking 6 blocks away doesn't mean you have to jump up and bark also--in the middle of night while on my bed.
8) Stay outside: (as in this is a people house, your house is over there. I donít just barge into your house without being invited)
9) Not needing help: "I don't NEED your help bagging the garbage.
10) Not needing help: I don't NEED your help typing on the computer."
11) Humping: (as in, it is not polite to hump anything and everything in sight)
Mine: (as in this is my dinner and you can't have it.)
17) I do NOT NOT NOT need help in the kitchen or bathroom.
20) Even though you can, on occasion, catch bees and wasps you should stop doing that. Remember what happened the last time? And the time before that? And the time before that?
21) Just because I bump the cookie jar with your
treats in it while cleaning the counter does not mean you are going to get a
22) Just because I put my shoes on that does not mean you are going with me. Sometimes I hide to put my shoes on!
23) Time - I appear to be just as appealing after a one minute absence (taking the garbage out) as an 8 hour absence!
24) Just because something dings, like when a letter is found on Wheel of Fortune, doesn't mean it's the doorbell.
Personal space (no, I don't need you in the bathroom with me. Just because I
watch you 'go' in the morning doesn't mean you have to watch me)
26) When I pick up the brush you need to realize I can not brush all 3 of you at the same time.
27) An entire bag of chips/an entire angel/food cake/an entire bag of teddy grahams/3 lbs of dog food in one sitting/all of my French cream horns -- will all give you horrendous diarrhea, and I have no pity for your fat, gluttonous butt.
It's my bed
all the time - even when I'm not using it.
29) Go to bed doesn't mean sleep with mommy
30) Space - Not only our personal space, but how much area a dog covers on a bed.
31) I have a Queen size bed. There is no need for three full size Gordon Setters and my self to only occupy 1/4 of it.
Staying in bed and sleeping. As in when the sun
is out and there are squirrels to chase.
34) After it rains, and then you need to go potty,
doesn't mean I want those wet paws all over my clothes when you are done
36) Grass and flowers are not one of the four food groups!
37) Plastic things are not food.
If a wasp stings you it won't make the ouch
go away if you kill the wasp.
40) The cat is not a chew toy.
43) The fountain is NOT your private swimming pool.
49) I do not care how loud you scream, how much you try to bite me, how hard
you wiggle, those ears will still be clean, young lady!
50) When I open the back door to let you into the yard, the yard will still be there if you don't all try to get out the door first!
51) It has never been ok for you to stick your cold nose on my bare butt. It will never be ok. Stop testing the theory!
You just ate 3 minutes ago. The food I've taken out of the fridge is for ME.
53) If I have to run to get the phone, standing in front of me does NOT make my life any easier.
54) You are allowed to
play farther than 2 feet away from me.
58) The dog that lives across the hall is THE SAME DOG EVERY TIME. He does not need to be barked at every time he moves inside his apt.
59) Should I happen to make it to the phone, that is not your cue to pull out every bit of laundry that you can find, chew on my shoes, and start play fighting in my lap.
60) Your breath reeks after you've eaten tripe or mackerel. Do not kiss me after these meals, no matter how happy you are that you FINALLY ate.
Yea, Puppy, that tail that has a firm grip on your butt is part of you, or
so you found out when you bit hard on it.
|63) Ouch!: This is not a word of affection when your paw is digging into my
64) Morning: Just because the sun is up does not mean mommy should be up.
65) Water bowl: This is for drinking from, not for washing your paws or washing the floor.
66) Yea, Puppy, that tail that has a firm grip on your butt is part of you, or so you found out when you bit hard on it.
|67) Rubber balls are
SOLID, they are not soluble in water, however many times you dunk them in to
68) Cats have claws,... yes, all the time, they don't fall off after use: if the cat swipes at you, he will still have them in five minutes when you make another go at it.
69) Playing dead will not work! I can see you peeking. I can
hear you breathing. I can see your tail wag. Now get off the
72) Wipe your feet: You are not privileged. You do not get
to track in snow and mud any more then daddy does!
|78) No the big lions in the TV are not running into the
bedroom, and when they disappear in the corner of the screen, they are not
hiding behind the TV.
79) This is a door made of glass, you cannot catch the bird on the balcony through it, and yes, when the door is open, you will go through it and tumble head over heels outside if you lean on it to scratch when the glass ain't there.
80) You do not own the side of the street that you live on. Other dogs and people are allowed to walk on it. So quit barking.
81) And for goodness sake stop plunking down in front of me when the crucial scene in the movie comes up, you are not transparent, itís also not a good time to whine to go out.
82) That Garbage
truck is bigger than you and is not impressed by your barking, I think you
should yield the way. And no, it is not a sushi bar on wheels
|83) The squirrel is dead as a door nail, it will not up and
run for you to chase if you nudge him.
84) agility: You do NOT know the course better than momma.
85) Gravity...you cannot fly no matter how high you jump or how high the object is that you jump off of.
86) Barking at the used frying pan will no make it jump from the stove to the floor.
87) You don't get more dry by shaking right next to your
mom or dad.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
90) The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
91)I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
92)For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
93)The proper order is to kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
Back to HUMOR HOME