|3/16: Just kind of still in a state of haze. I hear a bark and swear it is Goofy. Parker no longer sounds like Parker. He sounds like Goofy. Zelda is going down hill fast. I want to escape. I want everything in order. Everything but the bare necessities gone. I will be so glad if/when the house is in order, floors done, walls painted, I move myself and the dogs into the apartment. My daughter does not want the furniture so I'll just put it back in the house when the floors are done. Moving costs are outrageous. It can go with the house. It's just stuff....stuff I don't want in my life. Stuff no one else has sentimental value for. I need someone who wants to work!!! It rained so leaves are wet. I had to trim down Cotton night before last. He brought in a forest. This house and property have never looked so bad and I hate that. I like neat and order and clean.|
|3/10: I said good bye to goofy yesterday at 3:15. 24 hours later I am still in somewhat of a daze. I put his food bowl in the "remains" cabinet or I would have filled it. I looked for poop to pick up this morning, not realizing there would be none. I woke up at midnight for his walk. Then could not go back to sleep. I know he is not here, but I still look for him. I know Lorens spirit visited last night. I felt arms holding me. I was nuzzled in his chest. The dream was so real. I have grieved Goofy for 2 years, counting every day a blessing. He kept going for me. I could not let him do that any longer. He began dragging himself the day before, scraping the tops of his paws on the pavement. The morning was good, but he began to fall down by noon. I could not ask him to please stay with me. It would not have been fair. He was in pain but hanging on for me. No human would do that. I had to wait 2 hours for Rob to come. During that time, I combed Goofy. I have been collecting the hair for some time from all of them. I wanted to be sure I have enough to make a pillow that is just his hair. It was my way of coping.|
|2/21: Sleep.... I need it! 2:43 a.m. Went to
bed at 7. Was up at 11 walking dogs in a drizzle.
Switched beds, wild bunch barked at me. Gave up. Sitting
here at the computer trying to bore my mind with solitaire. It
usually puts me to sleep! I don't feel good. Chest
and stomach (not gut) hurt. Back always hurts. I've
gained 10 pounds since the Truffles arrived before Christmas.
I'm a chocolate addict. I'm going to hide the last 2 boxes.
I should have never opened the fourth one. Cleaning and
eating. The two things I do when I'm stressed. The floor
is really clean tonight! I mopped the entire livingroom twice
and the kitchen once. I would have mopped my bedroom but
the wild bunch would have run outside in the rain and just brought
mud back in when I was done. I want CLEAN! I want things
the un-handyman screwed up FIXED. I want REST.
I want the vet staff to quite giving me problems over the meds the dogs need. I had to argue on price matching. Because they won't dispense an equal amount of the price match, they were not going to do it. I've got a house full of crippled, old arthritic dogs and it breaks my heart to see them in pain when the meds are available. But it is not the vets. It is the turnover of office staff.
And I am upset about Kates ashes. I understand ashes are just bone so weight is irrelevant to a point. But she was as big bone wise as Chipi and Sahara. Their ashes weighed 1 pound 7oz. Kates weighed 11 oz. I want all her ashes, not just a part, or some other dogs ashes. When the original owners 8 years ago, Bears weigh 3 pounds. Sissy are close to that. Then other people bought it. The ashes decreased . Now they have almost vanished. I'm sure they will claim new equipment (if they bought some) does a more thorough job, but I won't buy that. I'm just so tired of being taken. 90% of the whole damn would is all "give me".
I'm old, I'm tired, I'm cranky. I should just be a bitch to everyones face and then at least I'd deserve the mistreatment. 3:20 a.m. I'm going to try to go back to sleep.
|2/19: Still missing Kate. A bit stressed too and the
dogs know it. Didn't know today was a holiday. Got some state
thing about my car registration so drove to town only to find the
office closed. Had 2 things to pick up from Wal-mart and came
out empty handed. Stopped in the independent grocery store to
see what meat was on sale. None. Walked out empty
handed. Didn't want the trip to be a total waste, so picked up a
supply of dog food that I really won't need for 2 weeks.
I should paint the apartment but really uncomfortable getting on a ladder with no one around should I fall. Every day I go through there and see the mess that jerk made, I just want to cry. A tiny 12" patch and he destroyed every tape seam in the room....on purpose. I feel the same way every time I walk through the living room and see white dots of patch all over every wall when all he was suppose to do was patch where the drapery rod was taken down. Now the whole room has to be re-painted. And I can't turn on the ceiling fan since he screwed up the balance. Liable to fly off the bracket and go out the window or crash on me or a dog. I'm not handling 'putting it behind me' when I have to keep looking at it. And still upset (going on 4 months now) about the leaves. If Ben had not re-nigged on our deal, they would have been gone and I'd have paid him $40 to $60. I still have leaves, only in piles and already out $200 just to have them raked so I can eventually burn them. It has either rained and they are too wet, or the wind is blowing. Today is both. Yesterday was both.
Kathleen was coming but a family relative passed away and she is not sure what arrangements are being made. Once she knows and gets that behind her, she will be down. Her 2018 is going worse then mine and that is pretty bad.
Yeti got jealous and snarky at Goofy when Betty stopped by today. This is not good. Hope I can get things under control and straighten him out or he will be in the shop. I will not have any of these guys pushed around by a new one. Enough sadness with Cotton hiding in the bathroom all day with Parker and Freedom picking on him. Not going to have any new conflicts.
Been waiting on a call from the vet all day. I've got to get Cola, Leslie and Hanna on Tramadol also. Watching them struggle to walk breaks my heart. They probably should have been on it a year ago or more, but the DGP (all natural) was working reasonably well. It no longer is. Need something strong. Hanna can't even get on the bed after I took the box springs out, which lowered it to 14" off the floor. The toddler beds are about the same height and Cola can not get up on hers that has always been her favorite place. Leslie needs exercise, but she hurts too much to walk. 138 pounds. She should be 105 at most. I'm just so 'down' watching these guys struggle with old age.
|2/16/18: Kate has crossed the Rainbow Bridge yesterday. This has hit me way harder then I ever imagined. 10 or 11 seizure in 13 hours. She was already so effected by them. Staring at a wall all day was no quality of life, But I could still pet her and hug her. I don't even know if she was aware of my presence some times. In all the months she was here, she had one good week. I can't bare to look at her toys. Toys that she briefly enjoyed. Toys that lay in anticipation of a good day that never came again. There are no do-overs. There are no second chances. But like all the others, I will never really know what one more day would have held. So very hard to live with.|
|2/14: I have a house full of Hospice dogs and I'm worn
out. Kate had 2 seizures today. I've got her back on
full dose. Been working it back up for over a week trying to
find that 'just right' point. A walking Zombie and still
I can only get 180 Tramadol at a time from the vet. I need 6 dogs on it at least two pills twice a day but prescribed at 3 x a day. That is 24 to 36 a day. 180 does not even last a week I'm at a breaking point. Goofy is the worse but he is happy. He is not telling me he is done. None of them are. They still get happy for a walk. They still come for attention. Parker still sticks his paw out when I walk by and grabs my leg for attention.
I'm still grappling about the "un" handyman. I keep finding more stuff he sabotaged. I guess he figured by tearing stuff up, he had job security. Kathleen and Bob are coming in a few days and I don't even know if they can use the shop toilet.
I did have one guy come today to rake leaves. Actually 2. But the one who came before was in a 'funk' and wasn't worth a damn. His brother-in-law did a good job and worked hard. I paid them seperate and the lazy one didn't get hardly anything because he hardly did anything. The worker can't come back so I'm on my own to finish. Hopefully there will not be a wind and I can start burning leaves. I am still so angry at the leaf guy. We made a deal and then he just screwed me over..... like everybody else. I need to hire a man just to hire men. I'm not stupid nor lazy but that is the mentality of everyone around here. "Oh, she's old, she must be rich, one job and we can retire". I wonder if this is how hard working honest black people feel? Discrimination of a different kind, but still discrimination.
|2/2: 3 a.m. You know those "flush anything" toilets.
Well, the house has them in each bathroom. Never had a
problem....until this morning. They do not flush
Goofy poop. Normally I pick it up with puppy pads and a
plastic bag and put it in the trash outside. But it's cold
outside! It was near the bathroom, so why not? Right?
Wrong! I just picked it up with toilet paper (it was
very firm) and flushed. Looked like some went but some didn't.
I waited for the tank to re-fill and flushed again. Mistake!
Had to scoop out water. Nothing available that was
'disposable' but the receptacle I used is now. Plunged.
flushed. It worked!! Mopped, cleaned the toilet, cleaned
the tub (where I had put the plunger), cleaned the sink (where I had
set the receptacle) Stripped down (after a dozen hand washings) and
got in the shower. I felt 'splattered' on. Realized
after getting out that I did not have anything in that bedroom to
put on. Went through the house naked. Normal bath towels
don't quite cover me anymore. Had to disturb the wild bunch
who had re-settled in my bedroom to grab my pajamas and clean
slippers. Back through the house naked. Now I'm
cold. Anyway, you ask why didn't I put my PJs on in the
bedroom. Well, the wild bunch are hard to settle in.
They play 'protect the door' against Freedom and Fraz coming inside.
If I had stayed in the room moving around, they would have all
vacated the house. Then when Freedom and Fraz wanted back in,
Leslie, Pumpkin and Cola would have barked...non-stop, until F&F
gave up and stayed out in the cold.
3:40 a.m. Interruption...Goofy calls. Stop typing and go direct him out. Too cold for me to take him out the front. He will just have to go out the back...meaning I have to mop. He can't make it through the house without pee falling out. Poop pile number 3 just did behind his bed. Hell no, I'm not flushing it!!! So I end up going outside anyway. I'm up, might as well do laundry while I mop. By the time I'm finished, it will be time to get up and start their breakfast.
|1/28: Sadie and Hudini got a home together.
Wonderful retired gentleman with a lot of dog experience. I
was worried about Hudini going, but after meeting him, I felt very
confident. House seems weird with them gone. I keep
missing Sadie on the bed with me at night. I keep looking for
Hudini on his favorite bed in the dining room.
The poop in the living room is multiplying. I'm not sure who else is no longer able to 'hold it'. But way too much for just Goofys' contributions. It really could be any of the other 4. I don't even have a 'suspect' in mind. Might even be a total of 3 dogs. There certainly is enough. Not even mopped up the pee today. It will just be added to tonight. Sommer, hopefully, will be here Tuesday. She had some family problem so missed Friday. Hopefully hiring a carpenter who knows what he is doing to get my deck rails done. Waiting on some bids for painting the living room and bedroom. Steve never got back to me on the tile. I'm not happy about that. He laid it and should feel some obligation to follow up on a mess up. Just lack of communication, but I still need it fixed. I will be glad when I can get the septic guy here to fix that in the shop. The "handiman" sure left me with a way bigger mess then I started with. I can't afford to pay someone to screw everything up and then pay again to have it made right. By the time the screw-ups are undone, it will be well over $1000 just thrown away to be right back where I started.
I sure wish I could find a computer person who could install Ubuntu and get rid of W-10 on the new computer. I used it 2 times and it already seems to be full of viruses. Pop-ups screaming at me "do not shut down your computer, call the number on your screen immediately. Your data is being lost". I push the power button and it will not even go off!!! I have to un-plug!! Seriously, I am not falling for this scam and phoning some phony number and letting them have my data and crash my system. Already legitimately let Microsoft do it. Not about to let hacks do it too. When the last 3 'adoptables' are gone, I am off the internet except for emails. And once in Idaho, I may be off for good.
|1/24: I've been trying to use the new computer and it does
not have Front Page on it so I can't update / work on my website
Hired a handyman. Boy was that a disaster. Feel like I threw away $1000 for $100 worth of work. I should not be expected to pay for "re-do's " when he screws up. And he insisted on paid for his half hour lunch break! The final straw was when he shit n a toilet he KNEW had a frozen drain line, flushed until it came up the other toilet hole and soaked the floor AGAIN! I could write a mini-book, but I'd probably be slamming on my keyboard to the point of breaking it.
Housekeeper Sommer to the rescue. She is great and can and will do just about anything. Floor dry, tiles re-laid. Yesterday she helped me re-organize the sewing room. I had started it 2 days earlier after firing un-handyman. I work when I'm stressed. Sommer had some great suggestions and the room is way more functional. Next is the room where I've been 'accumulating' stuff.
So anyway, some days are better then others. There are the days when I only clean up 4 to 6 piles of poop in the house. Firm piles so are easy to 'grab with a bag'. Goofys' pee almost makes it out the door, or he hits it mostly on the floor and not on the rugs. Good days include Goofy not falling down on our walk. Goofy getting up and stable within 15 seconds. Goofy nudging me for attention. Goofy sleeping on the floor beside my bed. Kate not having a seizure. The wild bunch not keeping Freedom from coming inside at night. Zelda eating breakfast. Parker managing to get up. Hudini letting me pet him. JoJo not peeing in Fawns dish (Fawns return is another story for another time). Those are the good days.
And then there are the bad days like yesterday afternoon. Sommer and I finished up at 2:00 so I'm back at the house getting ready to start evening dog duty: Changing water, collecting dog dishes up on the hill where the wild bunch hauled them, washing the dishes, Carrying in a bag of dog food. Getting dog meds organized. Kate has a bad seizure. I've been weaning her meds down as they make her almost catatonic. Trying to find that Kate I had for 4 or 5 days who was playing ball and racing through the house with joy. Not the Zombie who walks into walls. Well, I never did get that happy Kate back, but she needed more meds then I was giving. During the seizure she pooped. It spurted out all over. She was smearing it all over her. I was helpless to help her. I had to hold her so she didn't hurt herself against the wall. I could not get to anything to clean the poop out of the way. The dogs start freaking. Goofy gets up to run outside and his poop falls out all through the house along with a stream of pee that began by the fireplace and went all the way through the house out the door. There were several dog fights. I'm not sure who was involved. They were brief.
When Kate stopped, she was 'out of it'. She was also covered in poop. Face, body, legs. I grabbed a leash and got her out the door. It was a struggle as she was totally disoriented. All I wanted to do was get her down to the shop where I could clean her up. It was a tug of war the whole way. But she was dripping in shit. She freaked when I tried to push up the garage door. Finally got her in. She handled the spraying off reasonably well. Rinsing her in warm water was all I could do. She didn't get a bath that she needed. Thank God it was not really cold outside as she was wet and I had to get her back to the house to clean up the floor. I towel dried her as best as she'd let me. The struggle was on again getting her back to the house. She loves a walk, but not when she is confused. By now all I can think about is getting her inside and off the leash and confined to the bedroom so I can clean up the floor. She refused to come through the door. She refused to go through to the back yard. She was confused. The dogs were fighting again and barking. After 15 to 20 minutes. of this craziness, I yelled at her. Which only made the rest of the dogs more upset. And stupid since she can't hear me anyway. I had to literally drag her through the front door .
The house stunk. What hadn't already been smeared, had been walked through. I went through about 10 puppy pads cleaning up the bulk of it. I had stripped the cover off the mattress (dog bed) while she was still seizuring. (She had pooped a lot on the cover and then flopped over onto the floor.) I had a hard time getting the poop off the seams of the mattress, even though it is plastic. By the time I was done mopping, it was 5:30. The dogs had still not been fed or gotten their pills. Kate was still pacing. No one wanted to eat. I had missed their dinner time. They go on strike when I am not on time. And to top it off, I had just steam cleaned the area rugs the day before, brand new steam cleaner was a piece of junk, left them soaking wet, so returned it yesterday morning.
It is now 2 a.m. I got about an hours sleep. Stress and acid reflux. Goofy called me away from the computer so we had a hug session.
|1/06: Four are headed to Colorado at 2 a.m. on the 10th. I will be a nervous wreck until they arrive. Kathleen was coming Wednesday, But I need her NOW! So she is checking weather. If safe, she will be heading this way. Trying to get everything put together for their departure is both physically and mentally hard. Collar tags with all info, 2 copies of all vet records, weights, pre-testing crate size for each, 2 need shots, grooming, nail trim, Dramamine for Bailey as he gets very car sick, any special instructions written out, current photos for the front of their envelope (good thing my printer ink is due to arrive Monday). I will be at 17. Smiths' departure is tentative. The door only swings out from this day forward (unless a return or a Newfie ends up on my door step). I have to try to get emotionally stable without regaining the "Wonder Woman" syndrome.|
|1/01: Well, the year has not started off well! Freezing. Water frozen. Dog fight. Freezing. Set up yard with heater, carpet, bed, blanket and had to carry water from the house. Thought I lost my camera battery. Looked all over outside. Froze. I had laid it on the counter when I came to fill water. I do not remember taking it out of my pocket. Brain is froze too.|